Killing the Buddha

1972: Secret IRA priest
is protected from prosecution
in car bomb attack—
Martin Scorsese!
cue up “Gimme Shelter”

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE67N23820100824

I recently saw a commercial for the movie Eat Pray Love. I said, “This is the sort of thing that makes me embarrassed to be a white lady, just like Sex and the City does.” Because Julia Roberts is all oh man, I’ve been too busy with husbands and life partners to find out who I really am and I am totally going to take a year off of work and travel around and let the darker, poorer people of the world show me the meaning of life. And then she’s all in India and there’s actually a shot where she can’t zip up her jeans ’cause she’s been “eating” so much and I think she spends a lot of time peering off into the middle distance just Feeling It, whitely. It used to be enough for white ladies to just wear cardigans with cuffs that cover half their hands and cradle gigantic mugs of tea while looking out onto Puget Sound in movies, but now they must take some serious Me Time in the form of spiritual tourism. It makes me want to kick the asses of whoever wrote that thing and everyone involved in the making of this “movie.”

A few months ago, a friend of mine (who is very seriously committed to her religious discipline) and I both discovered that 1) we had both been given this book, 2) actually disliked the cover, to begin with, and 3) read, like, a page before tossing it across the room. Both of us. And we were so thrilled to discover that we both contact-hated the thing and both kind of appalled that well-intentioned people thought we might like it. Now that it’s a movie, the torture just continues. I just saw an ad that said that there are limited-edition Eat Pray Love fragrances coming out to coincide with the movie and I read that Julia Roberts had to gain weight for the role by eating “entire pizzas.”

Eat Pray Love franchise: to quote another white American lady, Liz Phair, every time I see that stupid logo “It makes me want to wrap you up in plastic / toss you up and pump you full of lead.” I am sorry, Rest of the World. We white American ladies are all not such huge assholes that we like this stuff.

Newark Liberty Airport
I want to see your logo
in stained glass

Ladies of America!
Pro-gay McDonald’s ad leads
to downsizing of Peter LaBarbera’s gut:
his junk will soon be accessible!

BALTIMORE July 26, 2010 – Since many of the world’s holy rivers are now too polluted for ritual use, Baltimore is offering a unique solution: use our Inner Harbor! “It’s just as polluted as the Ganges or Jordan, but offers access to paddleboats, many chain tourist restaurants, and an aging mall with a lot of odd, dusty, off-brand shops,” said Baltimore Now! spokesperson Mindy Maloney. “Additionally, airfare to Baltimore is cheap!” She went on to mention spiritual “packages” and note that “only somewhat toxic” crab delicacies are a specialty of the region. “Being a brackish estuary has never been better!” she exclaimed. “I’m talking about the Atlantic,” she giggled. “Sorry. I know that’s not funny.”

http://bit.ly/8XOWV0
http://bit.ly/9X79My
http://bit.ly/adw8F7

Hell is,
obviously:
their bedroom

http://bit.ly/97NfVG

Perfect sideline
for guilty adman:
weekend shaman

“ANGELINA JOLIE and BRAD PITT GET SERIOUS ABOUT RELIGION”

If you are not making
regular use of the phrase
“Get in the Goddamn car!”
on Saturdays or Sundays
it’s not serious

MoDowd kills it in today’s New York Times regarding the “sex abuse crisis”/”grave sin” of ordaining—gasp!—womyn. She notes “If Roman Polanski were a priest, he’d still be working here.” I’d venture to guess that, were the pervy little man becollared he would A) Have a very special middle name (can you guess it? It comes with a pretty red hat called a zucchetto which would look ever so nice on his flowing gray locks), B) Shepherd the flock of Paris where he would make the Ecole Julie Postel (for ‘troubled’ teenagers) a very special part of his ministry, and C) Be on the fast track to sainthood due to his dramatic conversion from Hollywood filmmaker to Man of God.

I had a hankerin’ for Tommy Brew’s unpopular Youth Mass 1970 album. Considered a riposte to Ray Repp (whom Brew considered to be overly sentimental), the songs were never performed in public other than one recital for campers at Camp Ekon on Lake Joseph, Ontario, where it was very well-received. The songs, which include the dirge-like opening hymn “Dust to Dust” and presciently Depeche Mode-ish electronic-tinged “Lamb for the Slaughter,” as well as the anti-war recessional “Go in Peace (To Kill and Disobey the Lord?)” were never incorporated into the parish canon like Repp’s were and Brew never again tried his hand at liturgical music. My well-worn taped tape of YM1970 finally gave out and I couldn’t find it anywhere for download, so I went to the KtB archives to look for the album.

It wasn’t there. It was listed as checked-in. I hope that someone merely checked it out without actually checking it out? I mean, it’s kind of an honor system, and if we all just start taking stuff and not filling out a slip for the file then the items might be lost. At the very least, someone else might want what you have and have no way to reminding you to return it. So, whoever took Youth Mass (cough Nathan cough) (cough invitinggirlsoverafterMasstolistentoarareTommyBrewalbum cough) could you please put it back?

But sometimes, as we well know, the Lord works in mysterious ways. While searching frantically for Youth Mass 1970 I came upon a dusty cassette of unknown provenance. (KtBniks: could we please make sure that new acquisitions are properly labeled and cataloged, and not just plunked on a shelf? Q, didn’t you say you were going to tackle that at our last staff meeting? We just had a huge bequest last year from the Sisters of Mary Star-of-the-Sea in Carmel and the boxes are still just sitting there.) The soundtrack to the 1973 LDS musical Saturday’s Warrior. Thank you, Jesus. And Moroni, as the case may be? I’m a big fan of other early-70s religiously-themed musicals such as Jesus Christ Superstar, Godspell, and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and never imagined that there was another one! This is huge to me.

Saturday’s Warrior, which was written in 1973 by Douglas Stewart and Lex de Azevedo and first performed as a college project, is the story of a group of LDS siblings, beginning with their time in the before-life of heaven. In “Pullin’ Together” they sing about sticking together both in heaven and down on earth. Lovers (chastely) wonder if they’ll be reunited on earth. However, after birth, the Flinders forget their heavenly promises and trouble ensues. Jimmy, the oldest of the bunch, goes out partying with bad sorts while his mom is pregnant with her eighth child. Meanwhile, his twin sister Pam, who was wheelchair-bound and plagued with health problems, finally perishes. She, up in heaven with their last sister, Emily, exhorts Jimmy to straighten up and fly right so that Emily can be born to the right family. Another sister, Julie, tries to wait for her boyfriend out on a mission before delivering a nicely-sung “Dear John” letter (it works out; she soon meets her pre-birth soulmate in a park). Jimmy’s all messed up with his so-called “friends” who espouse “Zero Population Growth” (a toe-tapper!) but soon finds his way back to his family and Emily is born. The Saturday’s Warrior of the title is Emily, I think? Given that she’s the last child born and Saturday is the last day of the week and we are in the “latter days?”

This soundtrack fills me with a bit of Mormon envy, I must admit. It all seems like an awful lot of fun; a great cosmology in which heaven, earth and heaven again are connected and families weather storms together on all sides of eternity. And I wonder, as the youngest of six myself, if perhaps I am one of Saturday’s Warriors?

Fig. 1: The BP Oil Spill Memorial Lighting of the Empire State Building.

Controversy has erupted over the Empire State Building’s refusal to specially illuminate in honor of the centennial of Nobel Peace Prize winner Mother Teresa’s birth. No explanation was given. Consider some of the other candidates deemed worthy of the big light show: Caribbean Tourism Development Company; the 60th Anniversary of the People’s Republic of China; the 4th Consecutive NASCAR Sprint Cup Championship Win for Jimmie Johnson. We took it upon ourselves to check out some other rejectees. Is there an anti-Catholic bias afoot? You be the judge.

1. BP Oil Spill (Douse the building in murky brown for a 3 month commemoration!)
2. Cancer Stats Rising (41 percent of the building will be lit black)
3. Gores Split! (Half green for Al/half yellow for Tipper’s hair)
4. Bret Michaels on the mend again! (Red like a rose)
5. Honoring Active Alcoholics (“fizzy” light effect and giant “swizzle stick”)

(Hat tip to Evan Derkacz.)

USA Today reports:

At his new church, Haggard said he will teach that God intended marriage to be a monogamous union of a man and a woman. But he said heterosexual marriage was just one ideal in a long list of things God wants people to do, including pray, be healthy and stay monogamous.

We here at KtB were wondering about the provenance of this list and what else could possibly be on it? Some investigation revealed that the “list” referenced by Haggard is actually an ancient scroll discovered under a boxwood outside of the Fresh Life Ministry church in Colorado Springs. The document, which is written in Aramaic and patchy in parts, has allegedly been carbon-dated to approximately 200 BCE, and thus, remains controversial in some Christian communities, who argue about its relevance to followers of Jesus. Haggard maintains that God’s “mysterious ways” are clearly in evidence here, since how else could a heretofore-unseen ancient document appear “under a hedge outside Bob’s church?” “Clearly, it’s meant for us,” he said. “And by ‘us’ I mean Christians!”

The scroll, which measures about a meter, is covered with extremely tiny writing, which scholars are still translating. Now, for the first time, we present some of God’s other wishes and instructions for humanity. We’ll have more of God’s new/old directives as they are revealed!

• Socks do not go with sandals, ever
• Don’t plaster your car with Nantucket parking stickers
• Try a silk pillowcase!
• Take off your shoes when you come in the house (think about it!)
• Carry scissors with the blades in your hand
• Pick not your hangnails (use clippers, please!)
• Floss
• Stay cool this summer, call me!

Dear France,

You’ve been good friends. Great friends! And all that trouble you’re having with the Muslims and stuff? We totally get that. We’ve got our own problems in that area. Heh. So, anyway, maybe you’d like to add some, say, Christians? Catholics, even? Maybe even some who speak a bit Frenchish? Plus some beautiful coastline?

You’re in luck! ‘Cause you remember that whole Louisiana Purchase deal? (You all called it the Vente de la Louisiane?) We love Louisiana, don’t get us wrong, but we thought that y’all might like to have it back. That’s right! We’re ready to return it! Thanks so much, France, for letting us enjoy your Louisiana for all these years, but really, it never was all that American. All that music and food and religion, plus the lingo? It always seemed a little tutti-frutti to us, frankly. But you all? Are gonna love it!

Anyway, tell Carla to get her bikini ready! There’s more good news! She won’t even need to bring her Bain de Soleil cause 100 percent natural earth-made petroleum is right there on the beach, ready for the slatherin’! (Share some photos of the FLOF if you’re so inclined!)

P.S. There might be some English guys in suits lurking about; you know what to do with them, right?

Thanks,
America

P.P.S. We still like the Statue of Liberty, FYI

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/05/oil_reaches_louisiana_shores.html
(h/t Tim Horn)

SS. Dismas and Gestas Elementary School

New Student Questionnaire

Parents: Please fill out the following questions so that we may get to know you better!

1. How was your child conceived?

___ Naturally

___ Unnaturally (IVF, Donor Egg, Contraception Failure)

___ Adopted

2. What is your parental arrangement?

___ Heterosexual, married

___ Heterosexual, divorced

___ Homosexual, “married”

___ Homosexual, divorced

3. Do you have more than two children?

If not, please explain why.

4. Do you have any questionable children’s books such as

HEATHER HAS TWO MOMMIES or FREE TO BE YOU AND ME?

5. Do you have any homosexual relatives nearby?

6. What is your Mass attendance?

___Daily ___Sunday ___Saturday vigil ___Spotty

7. What would you do if your child reported some kind of funny business with Fr. Tim? ___Ignore it

8. Do you have any questionable bumper stickers on your car?
Examples: MY OTHER CAR IS A BROOM, IF YOU DON’T LIKE ABORTION, DON’T HAVE ONE, CONDOMS SAVE LIVES, KUCINICH 2006

9. Do you have a well-stocked snack pantry?

10. How would you respond to questions about sex?
Change the subject___ Pretend not to hear___

Thanks for your help, and I look forward to seeing some of you at Back-to-School Night!

Yours in Christ,

Sister Marie-Eve

I’m turning in my film-reviewing credentials right now. Today. This instant. Because I never need to, nay, never will, see another movie again. Because I have been lucky enough to catch a screening of the greatest movie ever made: Pontifigate: The Movie. Maybe you’re thinking: !t’s a movie about the Boston Globe’s reporting of Pontifigate. I can’t imagine anything more tedious/personally irrelevant/or less sexy if I tried!

And I say to you: you are wrong. Dead wrong. This is the most gripping, insanely sexy (amongst the adult characters, heh) and earth-changing movie I have ever seen. Imagine All The President’s Men. Now, toss in religiously conflicted Catholic reporters (Bradlee’s son, one of them!) and, the downfall and rebirth of the Roman Catholic Church. Some were a little worried that Brad Pitt wasn’t going to be able to bring the proper gravitas and clearly enunciated English to the pivotal role of Ben Bradlee, Jr., but he proved all the haters wrong. We understand every word Pitt says, and furthermore, we believe him! Other standouts include Oliver Platt as the sweaty, villainous Vatican lawyer Jeffrey Lena and Mandy Moore as the mother of an adult abuse victim. James Woods as crusading child-abuse attorney Jeff Anderson: start engraving an Oscar now. If you cannot afford to buy yourself a ticket for this film, I will buy you one personally. I mean, I will come to your town and take you myself: I’m taking the next six months off to see this movie. “All roads lead to Rome,” friends. “All roads lead to Rome.”

h/t Mark Bergen.

Young Steven Mulvain has come under fire for a leaked British Foreign Office memo in which he suggests some activities for the Pope in his upcoming visit to Britain, including “asking the Pope to open an abortion clinic, bless a gay marriage and launch a range of Benedict-branded condoms.” The Foreign Office has apologized profusely and transferred the junior civil servant, and the Vatican indicates that Benedict’s visit will proceed as planned. But what if they weren’t, in fact, jokes? What if Mulvain was showing an unusually sensitive ear to the Pope’s concerns? Let’s look at the evidence.

1. What if the range of Benedict-themed condoms were, in fact, theologically correct?

2. Maybe another way of looking at “gay marriage” is “a couple of good friends who live together chastely.” It is possible.

3. “Abortion” is another word for “opportunity.” Just because you’re a, say, “crisis pregnancy center” doesn’t mean you have to do that. Maybe the Pope could open a nice place where women in trouble could stay for, say, nine months, instead of about an hour?

Friend-of-KtB Sascha Freudenheim brought this clip to my attention:

which I, obviously, enjoyed.

Then, F.O.KtB Sascha suggested a Twitter campaign to get John Hodgman of the Daily Show to use the Pontifigate coinage. I said, “Sure! What’s a Twitter campaign?” Anyway, we both sent tweets to Hodgman and wouldn’t you know? He tweeted me back! Here’s our “conversation!”

marykvalle@Hodgman 1. Rick James described the “incense, wine and candles” as “such a freaky scene.” 2. It’s called “Pontifigate.” You’re welcome!

hodgman Alas, @marykvalle. I can’t go back and use your “PONTIFIGATE” gag on TDS. Like the Doctor, I can’t alter my own timeline. But THANK YOU.

marykvalle@hodgman You’re welcome. Feel free to use #Pontifigate in the future!

marykvalle@hodgman P.S. I ripped the lid off of Pontifigate a few days ago! Secret Vatican Pie Chart revealed! http://cli.gs/B1VP5

His reply was also sent to his over 400,000 followers. Let’s all cross our fingers and hope that they use it on the show! Buddha-killers! Our time has come! #Pontifigate fever: catch it!

To: Fr. Cantalassa, Fr. Lombardi, Cardinal Bertone
From: “Joe”
Subject: Recent Annoyances

If the questions persist, stick to the plan. Remember: clockwise around the pie, for our Lord most high.

Attero secundum lectio.