Mary Valle

Mary Valle lives in Baltimore and is the author of Cancer Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Stupid Attitude: Reflections on Cancer and Catholicism. She blogs on KtB as The Communicant. For more Mary, check out her blog or follow her on Twitter.

Recent Posts by Mary

A Stupak Family Mental Glitch

Causes? Effects? We’re not havin’ it! We’re gonna have ten kids and be surprised when we run out of tuition money! We’re gonna own guns and be surprised when our kids off themselves! We’re gonna insist on not letting people theoretically buy coverage for a legal medical procedure! So what if the bill doesn’t pass?…

Killing the Buddha

Katie’s Mom Strikes Back

Dear Katie, How are things? Enclosed are some some books we picked up on our trip to Tuscany last summer. We found a nice man in our parish who agreed to translate them for us, so we just thought we’d go ahead and email the manuscripts to you. (This is private, right? You have a…

Killing the Buddha

I Get the Hijab Thing Now

That’s funny. Drag protest against Iran. Huh. Those men in hijab, they’re sort of… interesting. Like, how you can only see that sliver of their faces? It’s kind of… mysterious. The ones that look unhappy, particularly. So frowny and covered-up. It’s kind of…totally….hot. @

Killing the Buddha

Import This, Europe

You think you’re so smart, Mr. European Gay Man! Well, we didn’t bring homophobia to Uganda. It was already there! We just sprinkled some salt—MSG more like—on it to make it more tasty! We warn’t talkin’ about killin’ anyone. Lookit you there, all tall and blond, pointin’ that perfect pointy nose in the air. Go…

Rick Warren’s Extreme Measures

In order to save our church, dear parishioners, I am unretiring my Goatee Rides T-shirt. I’m offering this service for the low, low price of $100,000. Just nine ladies can make 2010 start out right for all of us at Saddleback. Oh, all right. Dudes too. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. @…

Female Monks Everywhere!

Consider yourself warned, Western fools! The upcoming epidemic of female monks will bring down societies! These “monkettes” will meditate and pray. A lot! They will wear robes and shave their heads! They will be indistinguishable from men! Furthermore, we original monks will suffer in dirty quarters with substandard food, while fighting the temptation to boff…

Killing the Buddha

Vatican Smiles Upon Barebacking

Don’t be mistaken, it’s not that we condone pornography or any of the acts undertaken therein; however, we do applaud L.A. County’s rejection of a proposed court order to require condom use on porn sets. In our view, if the Lord sees fit to start a new life, even in such filthy and sinful circumstances,…

Cuts in Abstinence Funding Affect Abstinence Program

Dear Abstainers, Threatened cuts in federal funding to my program, Don’t Get Drunk and Go To Parties, will cut into our programs for the year 2010. Specifically, we will have to cancel our annual Brightly-Lit No-Contact Square Dance and our weekly Fully-Clothed Non-Sleepover Board Game Jam.  Remember: groups of three or more are what Jesus…

Hot One-Flesh Union with Robby George

George argues that only vaginal intercourse—“procreative-type” sex acts, as George puts it—can consummate this “multilevel” mind-body union. Only in reproduction, unlike digestion, circulation, respiration or any other bodily function, do two individuals perform a single function and thus become, in effect, “one organism.” … Unloving sex between married partners does not perform the same multilevel…

Killing the Buddha

Doctor Talks Sense to Faith-Healing Cardinal

“It would be a brave person that used prayer instead of conventional treatment for a curable cancer—it’s a complementary practice,” Dr Goldstein said. Goldstein added, “By brave, I mean stupid, but really, you can’t be too diplomatic these days, can you? Pray all you want, but for God’s sake, take the drugs.” @

Wanna Play Stone the Heretic?

Ecumenical goodwill? We’ve got it! GodGames has something for friends of every religious persuasion this interfaith holiday season! How about a fun game of Cover Your Hair (Or Suffer the Consequences)? Don’t Forget Your Garments (A Game of Mormon Strategy!) or all-time favorite Conquer the Heathens? GodGames! We’re serious about religious fun! @

Australia 1, NZ 0

He cautioned that MacKillop’s imminent canonisation should not descend into national triumphalism. ”You don’t say ra-ra … Australia beat New Zealand one-nil.” Furthermore, God saw fit to give us such feminine and pliantly Godly women as St. Mary MacKillop. So no, one doesn’t have to say it. It’s quite obvious Who favors us over those…

Satan Mocks Jesus Junk

Hey, I noticed you guys were doing ripoffs of real brands. So, you just, like imitate actual things but put Jesus in there. Huh. Cute. What’s that? I couldn’t hear you, I was too busy vacuuming with my Dirt Devil and listening to Black Sabbath. Oh, I got unlimited tickets to the Blue Devils game…

Killing the Buddha

Bill Gates vs. Baby Jesus

Kids! Get back over here! Look, it’s Albert Einstein. The father of relativity! And Eleanor Roosevelt! She kick-started feminism! Yes, the donkeys are very cute,Tallulah. The baby? Well, some people think— Here, want a free-thinkers’ coloring book and some soy crayons? What’s that, Milo? Yes, their lights are very pretty, but you know what? They’re…

Killing the Buddha

You Must Have a Special Need to Make Us Feel Bad

Kid! It was supposed to be something that reminded you of Christmas! Baby Jesus, OK. Dead Jesus—with X’s over his eyes? Jesus Christ! Way to ruin the party! @

Killing the Buddha

Rick Warren on the D.L.

Baby? I didn’t mean it. You know America doesn’t understand me like you do. It’s just—it’s just—I gotta keep her from getting all up in my business. But you know how I feel. You let me do things that America would never let me do. You know the real Rick, Uganda. C’mere. Those sodomites aren’t…

Killing the Buddha

Orrin Hatch Sings Hanukkah!

Aw, the Jews! God loved ’em and so do I! They’re so cute, they don’t even realize that God’s made a new and new new covenant with us! And look at all these nifty old-fashionedy things they got! These mezuzim and the Torah! It’s like they’re lost in time! And darn if they aren’t real…

Killing the Buddha

I’m Being Paroled to My Father in Heaven

If heaven is going to be packed with parts-scattering murderers Purgatory’s looking better and better @