KtBlog

Mary Valle, communicating while munching on communion, reports the news in verse.

Killing the Buddha

Passing a Note to the Catholic Bishops

Your Excellencies, In the name of religious cooperation, I have this friend, Mr. Massoom. Anyway, he gives these little seminars to mullahs I think you might find kind of enlightening. Yeah, just give it a try. You can always fiddle with your robe or look at your watch if it gets too uncomfortable, he totally…

Killing the Buddha

The Bishop of Rome Likes Your Link

Mary K! LOL! Go to confession. What? It was only a joke! Your jokes wound the Lord, MK. Now. 🙂 @

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Creep’s Health Declines in Custody

Dr. Berkman, Repeatedly kidnapping and raping girls sorta already made Tony Alamo (leader of Tony Alamo Christian Ministries) a “walking time bomb.” @

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Priests in Space

Souls are souls, even extraterrestrial But please, dear Vatican astronomers, take a moment and read The Sparrow @

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That Anglican Divorce Thing (Again!)

Your Holiness, we didn’t see this one coming— Anglican congregations are divorcing—amicably! They’re all “No thanks, Rome, we’re cool. We’re even praying for each other.” We know, Your Holiness. They can pray all they want, they’re still heretics. Your Holiness? (Muttered German cursing; swishing of silken robes; furious soft padding of Prada slippers) @

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Abortion Issue: Solved!

Once we’re sufficiently full of plastics reproduction might cease anyway @ @

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They’re Not on Ships!

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Dwayne Hess (Hearts All Around)

A former Mennonite farmer, now openly gay and divorced Opened a lovely coffeehouse in Baltimore where homeless people can find peace His ex-wife volunteers

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Ruffing’s Instructions

Your Grace, could you please refrain from pointing your right toe in? OK, now, Your Grace, could you please not bite your lower lip? Great. Now, Your Grace, please, please, just clasp your hands behind your back. Because, sir, that little twiddling thing you’re doing with your sideburn is a little distracting. No, not one…

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Wives Birthing Wives Birthing Wives

Childbirth is difficult enough without a picture of your leader who may or may not be checking out your goods (or scheduling your infant daughter’s marriage) smiling down at you throughout the ordeal @

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True Religion Falls on Weak Earnings, Downgrade

At first glance, I thought this headline referred to the One True Faith Guess that serves them right for trying to boonswoggle people about the nature of  $300 cotton pants @

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You’re Being Way Too Patriarchal

At Hampshire College, in a Critical Approaches to European History class, one of my fellow women—we were not girls—raised her hand and complained that the class was too Eurocentric. Was she there when the Ecumenical Patriarch of Orthodox Christianity gave an address on his patriarchal anniversary speaking of their patriarchal mission of human rights, religious…

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He’s Kinda Cute, Maybe I Will?

Hi! Dan Halloran. Nice to meet you, Ms. Jensen. I’m a Republican running for City Council in your district. The robe? Well, I’m also the First Atheling of New Normandy… what  your people call “New York.” You could basically call me the New Normannii Reik of Theodish Belief. What? It’s no biggie. Just me and…

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Rejoice with Me!

CNN: Father Alberto Cutie, an internationally known Catholic priest who admitted having a romantic affair and breaking his vow of celibacy, is joining the Episcopal Church to be with the woman he loves, he said Thursday. […] “Father Cutie’s actions have caused grave scandal within the Catholic Church, harmed the Archdiocese of Miami—especially our priests—and…

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Sunday Morning Lights

If Coach Taylor is in the pulpit and we all get to shout this at the end of the service And slap a little painted cross on our way out to the Big Game called Life? I’m in. @ “The United Methodists took home the 2009 Getting Attention Nonprofit Tagline Award in the category of…

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Studying Mormons at Harvard

I would personally like to offer a prize* to the first scholar to complete a thorough dissertation on the young Saint and true heroine, Miss Elizabeth Smart @ *The prize is the Mary Valle Award for Contemporary Scholarship in Sainthood** **Which is a poem in your honor and three shiny quarters

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The Boston Archdiocese Flu Protocol

Good news, Bostonians! No more limp handshakes and mumbled greetings of peace— you shall also be spared the embarrassing holding of strangers’ sweaty hands through an interminable singing of the Our Father! @

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Bring Back Catholic Horror (Especially Dashing Jesuits Like Fr. Karras, am I Right, Ladies?)

House of the Devil might be promising— but I wish they’d bring back horror movies with heroic, Satan- banishing priests @