KtBlog

Mary Valle, communicating while munching on communion, reports the news in verse.

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My Priest-Do List

So, 1970s Australian songbird Olivia Newton-John (you may know her best as Sandy in Grease—OMGosh! I wonder if she knows Sister Janet Mead?) recently flew in a priest to do a house exorcism in the hopes of unvibing her recently suicided-in pad. One time my sister and I were at the airport and we came…

Killing the Buddha

BYOB Beads ‘n Booze

Tables For Two Five Wounds 874 Oskars Street, tel: 212-567-4001 Five Wounds is a new “multipurpose room” under 1 1/2 Avenue, in newly-dubbed DucManIs. The neighborhood, full of darkened storefronts and limb-lacking statuary, is an “underperforming Latvian Catholic shithole,” said Janis Ozols, the 14-year-old freshman at nearby St. Roland’s who handed out our “meal slips”…

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Everybody’s Talkin’ (To The Pope)

So the Pope has been calling people. People keep saying “Hey, have you heard about the Pope’s phone calls? He’s calling pregnant adulteresses and troubled gay youths and being like ‘Special mama, have that baby and don’t let anyone give you the hairy eyeball!’ and ‘Dear little hombre, It’s 2013! Be proud of your gay…

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Stink Lines*

*A prayer to the Holy Spirit, because that is who you bother with the small stuff.

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Many Sour Saints

Pope Francis has made some statements regarding Catholic moods lately—admonishing clergy for having “sad, long faces”  and saying “Buenos dias” to religious who may have psychiatric problems. Pope Francis has also said that “melancholy Christian faces have more in common with pickled peppers than the joy of having a beautiful life.” He added “Christian joy is…

narthresearch

“Research and Therapy of Homosexuality”: A Flow Chart

The Boy Scouts of America are voting today to decide whether to accept gay boys in the organization. I’ve been preparing for this historic event by reading some phenomenal material by an organization called NARTH. Grappling with work of this caliber made my brain hurt a little, so I had to flowchart it out. (Click…

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Lenten Bingeing…For Good

People have been bingeing on TV shows, apparently, according to many boring recent articles. “Who cares?” I think, when confronted with boring prose about boring activities. “They’re just watching TV.” However, a few days ago, I found myself “bingeing” on something (during Lent!): I stayed up well past Quaker Midnight reading issues of Treasure Chest…

Lent Supplies

The Lent Bin

I’ve barely got my Christmas decorations put away and was pondering hearts and snowflakes for St. Valentine’s Day when I realized that Lent begins February 13th this year. February. 13. I mentioned this to a Sister in Christ and she said she had already gotten out her “bin of Lent stuff.” “I gotta get mine…

heartcuffs

Dear Fr. Donovan

A parish priest in Springfield, IL, recently had to call 911 for assistance getting out of recreational handcuffs. In the rectory. Police allegedly found “some sort of gag” on the priest.  This item has circulated widely on the Internet in the past few days. Chuckles abound at the priest getting up to some kind of…

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Jesus! Murder! High-five!

Last Saturday, my daughter and I and our mother-daughter friends Rachel and Ruby enjoyed a lovely tour of the White House, which I have dubbed Crafting Versailles. Everything is perfect there, from the life-size Bo made of pompoms to Jackie’s portrait.  Fires blaze in the fireplaces, cleanly. We didn’t want to leave: we lingered, listening…

mary_spotify

Be Not Afraid (Of So-Called Apocalypses)

NASA and the Vatican agree: the Mayan apocalypse isn’t going to happen. Sure, there’s that calendar and all, but guess what? The Mayans ran out of room on the stone. Do I run screaming down the street when I pull December 31 off of my Cute Overload Page-A-Day Calendar, screaming It’s the end of days! And cute…

Killing the Buddha

That’s Mrs. Christ to You

Of course Lord Jesus has a wife! Not much of a surpriser Her name is the Roman Catholic Church Unwashed: now you are wiser

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Occupy Catholics: Assemble!

While the USCCB celebrates its “Fortnight of Freedom,” Occupy Catholics are going to hold their first General Assembly on Freedoms, from June 21st to July 4th, which will concern itself with other kinds of freedoms other than refusing to pay for other people’s contraception. These freedoms include “freedom of conscience” and “freedom from complicity.” I’d…

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New Election Strategy: Damnation Threats

I can’t stop watching this Test of Fire video put out by Catholics Called to Witness. It’s a kinda Lord-of-the-Ringish vibed “promo.” Just what is it promoting? Scaring Catholics into voting against contraception, abortion and gay marriage lest they send themselves to hell. Let’s take a look, shall we? Starts out kinda like a legend.…

Killing the Buddha

This Far and No Further

After the announced LCWR “crackdown,” I was in a Jo-Ann fabric store. A few women in line were deriding the Girl Scouts for being “radical feminists.” I had to butt in and note that if being competent is radically feminist, then Girl Scouts are. I made a lot of jokes about my being “2 for…

Killing the Buddha

#radicalfeministthemes

The Vatican has announced a crackdown on US sisters, who, amongst other offenses like running hospitals and educating countless children and young adults, are possibly guilty of promoting “radical feminist themes.” This news kicked off a lot of frenzied tweeting on my part. I saw Doom arrive in the form of this announcement. I cried…

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Wrap Yourself In Vision Bedding!

Thank you, Elizabeth Castelli, for introducing me to the bedroom of my dreams, courtesy of Vision Bedding. I’ve often wondered if there’s a place where faith meets decor. Like most Catholics, I tend to trail statues, plaques, holy water fonts, crucifixes and mass cards all over my house, but I’ve never been able to get…

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Lenten Thrills: 1974

Did you know that during Holy Week in 1974, an Australian nun had a top ten hit in the United States with a recording of the Lord’s Prayer? I didn’t either! Happy Lent to me! I made my non-believer husband watch the video with me on YouTube. Our comments are included with screenshots below.  …