Bart Stupak, Rupert Murdoch, and John Calvin Want You to Buy My Book

After about 3 1/3 months, my book slipped off the NYT bestseller list. But this week it’s back! And who do I have to thank? None other than congressmen Bart Stupak and Joe Pitts. See, the thing is when you become a member of the Family, as I did for a short spell, you’re like a made man — in the Calvinist sense,* of course. I remain a “brother,” even if I’m sort of the black sheep of the Family. And the Family looks after its own. Earlier this summer, when the paperback edition of the book landed without even so much as a deadening thud, Brother Ensign and Brother Sanford put their heads together, so to speak, and came up with a sure-fire plan to catapult my book onto the bestseller list: Mission Accomplished! But two weeks ago, the good times came to an end. That’s when  Stupak & Pitts teamed up to help a brother out. Using the clever ruse of the biggest rollback of reproductive rights in our generation, they raised enough of a ruckus to bump the book back onto the list. Thanks, buddies! I’ve always insisted that the Family isn’t a conspiracy, but looks like I’m wrong — it’s clearly a conspiracy to sell books!

Who benefits? Let’s follow the money. Sadly, it’s not coming my way — my wonderful contract with HarperCollins ensures that I’ll receive no royalties until I sell enough books to build a bridge to the moon. That doesn’t mean The Family, the book, isn’t making money. It is! For HarperCollins’ evil mastermind owner: Rupert Murdoch. In conclusion: The Family, the organization; The Family, the book; Ensign & Sanford; and Stupak & Pitts are all part of the Australian plan to take over the world.

* Calvin, it turns out, is part of the Australian’s scheme — and so is Jeff Bezos! My evidence: The fact that Amazon has done a mash-up of my name with Killing the Buddha co-founder Peter Manseau’s, and then attributed a book we’ve never even seen to us. The title: Calvin and the Reformation. Look for it on the bestseller list soon!