Charismata and The Big Donut

Unemployment calls for desperate measures, and last week I was asked, in an application packet, to list not only my natural gifts and talents, but also, under a separate heading, to list my spiritual gifts.

I had no idea.

I knew that spiritual gifts include aptitude for leadership, prophecy, discerning spirits, and working miracles—all things I pretty much suck at. And I double-checked my New Testament, but somber wit, reclusiveness, and striking good looks were nowhere to be found.

The app deadline was looming, and there I was helpless to do anything but stare at the blank lines and eat Ritter Sport bars.  So I did what I always do when desperate for insight: I wrote to Nathan.

Nathan, perhaps having been gifted with lots of knowledge and no compassion, only said, “Obviously your gift is speaking in tongues.”

I actually considered writing Speaking in Tongues, but then, what if I were hired? A sweaty film rose from my pores just thinking about it. There I’d be, in the midst of expectant holy-rollers, my heart and mouth wide open, making not a sound.

Fuck.

You can’t lie about your spiritual gifts. That’s just asking for it.

Well, no thanks to any of my friends or co-editors, I found my answers in the On-Line Spiritual Gifts Test with Automatic Analysis (for believers 18 and older).

Need exhortation, writing, poverty, celibacy, or craftsmanship? I’m your guy. But my aptitude for speaking in tongues? Exactly zero.

What about you, dear reader? Take the test, and let us know what God-given gifts you bring to the table.

(Believer, Beware, though: if you tell us you have a gift in giving, helping, healing, hospitality, music, or miracles, KtB may request your services.)