E-Cards for the Left Behind

So suppose one day you wake up and all your Christian friends have mysteriously gone missing. It’s creepy, and everyone around you is trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Luckily, a few days later you check your email to find you have received the following letter:

Dear Friend;

This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.

The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you and would like you to know the truth about where they went.

This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.

Ahhh, so that explains it!

You won’t know it, but this message has been sent via the website RaptureLetters.com, a new service that promises to send select members of your friends and family an email on the Friday following the dawn of the apocalypse outlining both what just happened and instructions for salvation. Assuming the rapture will have internet access, will run on a Gregorian calendar, and that those left behind will not be too busy running from Antichrist monsters to check their inboxes, your left-behind loved ones will be able to use these instructions to meet back up with you in heaven (fingers crossed!). Additionally, if the first email doesn’t sink in, Rapture Letters will send out an email every subsequent Friday until the recipients have either entered the kingdom of heaven or adjusted their spam filters (whichever comes first).

All you have left to do now is awkwardly prioritize which of your friends you don’t think will make it into heaven and send Rapture Letters their email addresses. You might feel guilty about it now, but they’ll thank you one day when you’re sipping cocktails with Jesus at the millennial after-party.