Glenn Beck: Fashion and Principles

Glenn Beck recently threw a party for an “overwhelmingly white” crowd on the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “I Have A Dream” speech. I’m not going to make a lot of classist, snarky comments about the fashions on display but: apparently the uniform of true patriots is jorts. Check out the guy with Abe Lincoln. I think the gathered ladies are snapping photos of his hot ass in smokin’ denim shorts.

Beck announced that “America today begins to turn back to God.” He’s the sponsor of the “9.12” movement, which refers to his liking for the the “sense of unity and purpose” the country had after 9/11. I don’t know about y’all, but I mostly just remember Bush telling everyone to go shopping, and being secretly pleased that property values were going to fall because I was in the market for a house. I was also really squicked out by people grief-glomming when they had suffered no personal loss; the most egregious example of this was a book put out by The New York Times containing little biographies of the murder victims. I had to tell my husband that if I ever died in a massacre, I specifically did not want a capsule bio for strangers to fawn over. “My love of Duran Duran and propensity to write and sing little jingles about daily events dies with me,” I said.

Herewith, 9.12’s 9 Principles, some of which I agree with, and my comments. If you look at the original page, there’s a rather scary-looking graphic of a snake choking the Capitol dome. Maybe some nice, quiet prayer would be good for your soul, Glenn? I have just the saint for you! His name is Patrick. Also, Mary, the Mother of God has been known to trample a few snakes in her time. Just something to consider.

Here they are:

1. America is Good.

Mary: It’s pretty good. Yeah, it could be better.

2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.

Mary: Which God? Whose God? Mr. Beck: BE MORE SPECIFIC! My God says a lot of stuff that I don’t think your God would really like. “People don’t like birth control?” He chortled one day. “That’s like not liking rainbows and kittens!”

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday.

Mary: This just makes me think you’re a habitual liar, and, in that case, being more honest than yesterday is negligible.

4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government.

Mary: Agreed. Especially on my property! I would hasten to add that my husband is the ultimate authority on my property. Since he has a penis.

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.

Mary: (garbled) What? No, I’m good. Yeah. Totally.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results.

Mary: Yeah! Shove it, poor people! Your results will vary!

7. I work hard for what I have and will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.

Mary: Oh man! I thought I had to make a $50 annual donation to Hampshire College or I was going to get audited or something! (Airpunch!)

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.

Mary: Glenn Beck, we’re agreeing on this one too! It is, in fact, totally 100 percent American!

9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.

Mary: Fabulous! Could I get twice-weekly recycling pickups and a city-wide composting program?

Mary Valle lives in Baltimore and is the author of Cancer Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Stupid Attitude: Reflections on Cancer and Catholicism. She blogs on KtB as The Communicant. For more Mary, check out her blog or follow her on Twitter.