God’s “Long List” Finally Found!

USA Today reports:

At his new church, Haggard said he will teach that God intended marriage to be a monogamous union of a man and a woman. But he said heterosexual marriage was just one ideal in a long list of things God wants people to do, including pray, be healthy and stay monogamous.

We here at KtB were wondering about the provenance of this list and what else could possibly be on it? Some investigation revealed that the “list” referenced by Haggard is actually an ancient scroll discovered under a boxwood outside of the Fresh Life Ministry church in Colorado Springs. The document, which is written in Aramaic and patchy in parts, has allegedly been carbon-dated to approximately 200 BCE, and thus, remains controversial in some Christian communities, who argue about its relevance to followers of Jesus. Haggard maintains that God’s “mysterious ways” are clearly in evidence here, since how else could a heretofore-unseen ancient document appear “under a hedge outside Bob’s church?” “Clearly, it’s meant for us,” he said. “And by ‘us’ I mean Christians!”

The scroll, which measures about a meter, is covered with extremely tiny writing, which scholars are still translating. Now, for the first time, we present some of God’s other wishes and instructions for humanity. We’ll have more of God’s new/old directives as they are revealed!

  • Socks do not go with sandals, ever
  • Don’t plaster your car with Nantucket parking stickers
  • Try a silk pillowcase!
  • Take off your shoes when you come in the house (think about it!)
  • Carry scissors with the blades in your hand
  • Pick not your hangnails (use clippers, please!)
  • Floss
  • Stay cool this summer, call me!

Mary Valle lives in Baltimore and is the author of Cancer Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Stupid Attitude: Reflections on Cancer and Catholicism. She blogs on KtB as The Communicant. For more Mary, check out her blog or follow her on Twitter.