Look for the Rainbow! (A Short Musical)

There are three characters. MAINLINE is a middle-aged, nondescript, reverend in generic dog-collar, cardigan, and sneakers. CATHOLIC wears elaborate robes, a pointy hat, bears a crozier. EVANGELICAL has on the short-sleeved elasticated-bottom ick-shirt and goatee, with a phone on his belt and a big cross on a chain around his neck.

MAINLINE:
Whatever shall we do?
Whatever shall we do?
Mainline churches are declining
It looks as though we’re through
Whatever shall we doooo?

CATHOLIC:
What about these gays?
What about these gays?
They fuss and fight and yell a lot
They ruin all our days
What about these gays?

We said that they’re OK
We said that they could be gay
As long as they don’t do gay stuff
(We wish they’d go away)
What about these gays?

EVANGELICAL:
The Lord doesn’t like the gays
He loves them, but we’ll say
That gay stuff is sure a sin
(We wish they’d go away)
Lord, why can’t they behave?

CATHOLIC AND EVANGELICAL (sung in rounds):
What about these gays?
What about these gays?
They fuss and fight and yell a lot
They ruin all our days
What about these gays?

BOTH:
We wish they’d go awayyyyy…..

MAINLINE:
Whatever shall we do?

C & E:
We wish they’d go away

MAINLINE:
There’s no one in our pews

C & E:
What about these gays?

MAINLINE:
We’ve got all these empty churches
The mortgages are due

C & E:
They fuss and fight and yell a lot
They ruin all our days

ALL:
Whatever shall we do?

CATHOLIC and EVANGELICAL look at each other, than at MAINLINE.

MAINLINE (spoken):
We’ll take them!

C & E (spoken):
They’ll take them!

MAINLINE:
Our pews will fill with gays
We’ll marry them, OK?
We’ll baptize their babies
Let there be no delay!
Our pews will fill with gays!

C & E:
Their pews will fill with gays!

ALL:
Their pews will fill with gays!

(sources: 1 & 2)