My Priest-Do List

So, 1970s Australian songbird Olivia Newton-John (you may know her best as Sandy in Grease—OMGosh! I wonder if she knows Sister Janet Mead?) recently flew in a priest to do a house exorcism in the hopes of unvibing her recently suicided-in pad.

One time my sister and I were at the airport and we came upon a man in Roman collar soliciting donations for orphans or something. My sister hissed you’re not even a priest! as we sped by. Hello, unnamed priest who flew in and performed Olivia Newton-John’s house exorcism? Was this “exorcism” sanctioned by anyone? Are you, sir, even a “Catholic priest?” Do you know what’s going to happen now because of you? There will be a national outbreak of priest-flying-in-fever. Great news, because it’s not like there’s a shortage of priests or anything. No, the priest glut means that we can dispatch them willy-nilly to deal with celebrity real estate probz. Oh wait.

Anyway, I’m going to fly in a priest myself. For, uh, research. Here’s my “Priest-Do” list.

1. Help me choose a paint color for my “studio” or “spare bedroom” if you will.
2. Bring me the “Tac-o’ the Town” from Real Food Daily.
3. Investigate the weird feeling I get at the top of my basement stairs.
4. Get the broken air conditioner off my back porch.
5. My contractor blew his brains out in my $5.6 million mansion and it’s losing value quickly. I seriously need to unload it, so yeah. House exorcism.