New! Scientology Alarm

January 27, 2010

Cultco is pleased to announce our new Scientology Alarm. This breakthrough device, which fits discreetly on the back on any wristwatch, can be activated by your blinking alone . Your unique “distress blink” is programmed into the tiny chip, which is set to go off at any time, anywhere. If you’re in a jam and can’t fend for yourself, the Scientology Alarm will broadcast your refusal of unwanted “services” to everyone, loudly and clearly. The alarm can be heard for a 100-foot radius, practically guaranteeing that even in the worst calamity, someone will actually come to your aid. Protect yourself from psychic rape and unwanted touching with the Scientology Alarm: Because bad things happen to good people. Also available in fun children’s multicolored rubber bracelets.

Mary Valle lives in Baltimore and is the author of Cancer Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Stupid Attitude: Reflections on Cancer and Catholicism. She blogs on KtB as The Communicant. For more Mary, check out her blog or follow her on Twitter.