Pastor Jones: Some Other Combustibles

Dear Pastor Terry Jones,

You’re all fired up about burning Qur’ans on 9/11. OK. We get that. But, at the last minute, perhaps you’ll reconsider your choice of fuel? Think about it: American kids getting slaughtered because of you does not make you look good. Besides, bonfires are a fun fall activity. Why not toss some other choice items into that fire instead? Here are some suggestions:

  • Lottery tickets. We all know how Jesus felt about gambling. State-sanctioned gambling? Lord have mercy, Pastor Jones.
  • KISS albums/CDs/mp3s or heck, just iPods cause they’re ruining everyone’s hearing. I can attest to the fact that KISS is still scaring young children with the devilish ways. I have heard it with mine own ears.

    NINE-YEAR-OLD: KISS has these really long tongues (demonstrates)
    NINE-YEAR-OLD: A rock group. They cut this part off (lifts up tongue to demonstrate) so their tongues would be extra long.
    SEVEN-YEAR-OLD: Gross!

  • Harry Potter books. Now there’s some kindling for you. Very easy to come by as well!
  • Raid your local pharmacies/parishioners’ (is that what you call your flock?) homes for condoms, birth control pills, vibrators, etc. Especially vibrators. Clearly the tool of Satan.
  • More books: The Family and C Street by Jeff Sharlet. Not as easy to come by as the Potter series. But just as evil.
  • Tarballs (stand back!)
  • Short shorts with stuff printed on the butt. How any Christian man can maintain his inner chastity with little girls running around with these on is way beyond me. Clearly the work of the devil.
  • Rosaries (there isn’t a damn thing in the Bible about worshiping lady idols and chanting!)
  • Computers. Great source of temptation.
  • Halloween costumes. How ’bout we don’t give the devil a national holiday this year?

Mary Valle lives in Baltimore and is the author of Cancer Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Stupid Attitude: Reflections on Cancer and Catholicism. She blogs on KtB as The Communicant. For more Mary, check out her blog or follow her on Twitter.