Pontifigate: The Movie

I’m turning in my film-reviewing credentials right now. Today. This instant. Because I never need to, nay, never will, see another movie again. Because I have been lucky enough to catch a screening of the greatest movie ever made: Pontifigate: The Movie. Maybe you’re thinking: !t’s a movie about the Boston Globe’s reporting of Pontifigate. I can’t imagine anything more tedious/personally irrelevant/or less sexy if I tried!

And I say to you: you are wrong. Dead wrong. This is the most gripping, insanely sexy (amongst the adult characters, heh) and earth-changing movie I have ever seen. Imagine All The President’s Men. Now, toss in religiously conflicted Catholic reporters (Bradlee’s son, one of them!) and, the downfall and rebirth of the Roman Catholic Church. Some were a little worried that Brad Pitt wasn’t going to be able to bring the proper gravitas and clearly enunciated English to the pivotal role of Ben Bradlee, Jr., but he proved all the haters wrong. We understand every word Pitt says, and furthermore, we believe him! Other standouts include Oliver Platt as the sweaty, villainous Vatican lawyer Jeffrey Lena and Mandy Moore as the mother of an adult abuse victim. James Woods as crusading child-abuse attorney Jeff Anderson: start engraving an Oscar now. If you cannot afford to buy yourself a ticket for this film, I will buy you one personally. I mean, I will come to your town and take you myself: I’m taking the next six months off to see this movie. “All roads lead to Rome,” friends. “All roads lead to Rome.”

h/t Mark Bergen.