Pork Rinds and Mayonnaise on Wonder Bread

I’ve been waiting for my pal and collaborator Kiera Feldman’s debut feature in The Nation, “The Romance of Birthright Israel” for months. It’s all that I hoped—sex! violence! dirty old men paying hapless young fools to breed for their ideological titillation. But what’s really remarkable is the discovery that Kiera’s delightfully disturbing dish is the first major critical journalistic response to Birthright. Birthright, for you goys, is a program by which young people who are at least a quarter Jewish can take an armed, guided tour of Israel paid for by a group of billionaires fretting over “intermarriage.” The idea is that a “hormonal mifgashim”—an encounter—with a strapping or nubile Israeli soldier will put American Jews off shiksa sex for life, or, at least, for marriage. The truth is that Birthright is as Jewish as pork rinds and mayonnaise on Wonder Bread, as Jewish as reading Richard Ford in Kennebunkport, as Jewish as eugenic breeding programs—oh. Jews, Israel-lovers, human beings—read Kiera’s story and weep for this treyf abomination.