Ross’s Magic Monogamy

February 21, 2012/Mary Valle

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Dear Ross,

Thanks for teaching me something new today: “Monogamy, not chemicals or latex, is the main line of defense against unwanted pregnancies.” All this time I’d thought that deciding “when sex makes babies”—which is a phrase I recently heard, oddly enough, when sitting in on an innovative new kind of sex-ed class in Liberal California—had something to do with a) not having sex or b) having it, but only during certain times of scheduled infertility or using “artificial” birth control. Why does “artificial birth control” get such a bad rap, anyway? Don’t men get artificial erections all the time now? Aren’t we rolling around in “artificial” transport machines (in my day, we walked) and having “artificial” medical treatments like surgery? Gosh, am I going to have to abandon my “artificial lenses” and stay home because it’s dangerous for me to even be walking without my seeing aids? I don’t know about you, but “chemicals and latex” have done wonders for me in a variety of areas. I hope you don’t ever have to have chemo, Ross, ’cause guess what? It’s nothing but chemicals and latex.

But, thanks, Ross, because, even with several courses in Catholic sex ed, I didn’t know the secret to preventing unwanted pregnancy! It’s monogamy. What? I’ve been using contraception all this time when, by nature of my very special monogamous marriage, to a Man, I already had it made? Oh. You actually mean that there’s no such thing as an unwanted pregnancy in such a magical relationship. Because of the Lord. Hmm. I thought that God gave us intelligence to make good decisions. No? OK, I’m just going to go flagellate myself for not conceiving a dozen kids and then I’m going to have a funeral for my period. You’re invited.