St. John Paul II’s Blood Books East Coast Tour

Great news, first-class relic lovers! A small Vial of St. John Paul II’s Blood is going on tour this summer! It will hit Boston, NY, Philly and Baltimore.

I have it on good authority that the Vial of Blood has only a few special items in Its rider other than the usual 100% percent French beeswax harvested by the silken hands of blind virgins grown in sealed stone monasteries in Provence and a white-tiger (not chemically treated regular tiger — the vial will know the difference) “resting pillowette.”

Exclusively here are a few of the Vial’s tour necessities I am honored to share with you. This list is rumored to be translated from the Latin by a certain Prefect. I think you know of whom I am speaking.

• Vial’s room must be at perfect temperature. Perfect temperature varies with location. You must know what it is by the Grace of You-Know-Who.
• Diamond-encrusted solid gold monstrance with the Body of Christ in room (consecrated in the Presence of the Vial). Although the Vial cannot take communion, the Saint’s Blood needs — nay, thirsts for — the Presence of the Lord.
• Under no circumstances will there be any satirical “tweets” on behalf of the Vial. The Saint was untainted by “social media.” Offenders will be dealt with. Dealt. With.
• Mary, please stop asking us if you can be a “roadie.” You are a woman and therefore not of the cloth. Stop it. If you want to do something for the Vial, cover your head in its Presence. The Vial would prefer not to be exposed to your female hair.
• Please refrain from discussing any other former or current Popes in the presence of the Vial. Especially “St. John XXIII,” OK? The Vial needs to rest between appearances so as to save its strength in its mission to help Catholics recall its Formerly Human Generator’s saintly life.
• Do not call the vial’s Resting Place a monstrance. It is a reliquary. Educate yourself.
• Do not contemplate, in your thoughts or in your words, when the Blood was harvested from the Saint. That is vulgar.

Huh. I know this isn’t a full list, but there’s nothing about being a groupie here. See you on tour!