Taoist Foreplay Works Anyway

Taoist Foreplay: Love Meridians and Pressure Points by Mantak Chia and Kris Deva North

This book had me at “Taoist.” Add in “foreplay” and I was pressing the One-Click button. Hard, so to speak. Ahem. [Five minutes elapse.] What? Oh, just doing a bit of “single cultivation.” For, uh, research purposes. I’m back.

This book comes with a disclaimer that “the Universal Tao cannot be responsible for the consequences of any practice or misuse of the information in this book.” I took this as a challenge. “Let’s Tao it up,” I said, pushing the dog aside and smoothing out my still unmade-bed. The Jade Dragon, my husband, Josh, awaited. “Taoist practice has always been sexy,” I read. “Stuff about the Five Elements and pressure points and ooh! Diagrams!”

“Let me see!”

“You just gotta ignore the photos,” I said. Some of them kind of put me off the topic, which is saying a lot. It’s not that there are three people. It’s their expressions.

“Sarongs,” said the Jade Dragon, frowning. “What year was this book copyrighted?” He turned to the beginning. “2005? Is that even possible?”

“It is,” I said. “Give me that.”

I wanted to get into all the element/energy/meridian stuff because I really like that sort of thing. I’m a longtime Classical Five Elements acupuncturee (by an acolyte of J.R. Worsley!) and it’s done wonders for me. However, I could sense that the Jade Dragon was getting a little bored.

“Let’s try something,” I said.

He perked up.

“Lie down,” I said. “On your stomach. No, on your back. Get ready for… Whole Body Love-Shiatsu!”

The Taoist Foreplay tome lying awkwardly next to the Jade Dragon, I proceeded to tap/rub a series of pressure points up and down the J.D.’s back. Then I had him turn onto his side.

I didn’t notice any “Signs of Arousal,” which are as follows: “His Jade Stalk grows heavy, large and hard.”

“How’s it going?” I said.

“Um, this is nice,” said the Jade Dragon. “But it isn’t exactly sexy.”

“OK,” I said, tossing the book aside.

American-style foreplay ensued, and the Heavenly Gate opened anyway, to such an extent that glass actually broke. An iIttala Kartio bowl, actually, that fell off the headboard, so you can be the judge of that. The Eternal Tao can and will be held responsible for the breakage. As for me, I’m going to practice Cultivating Ovarian Power and the Orgasmic Upward Draw on my own and see if anything else spectacular happens. If I get that far, which I probably won’t.

P.S. Taoist superstud Mantak Chia is also the author of Healing Love Through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy. Psst! Mantak! If I am ever widowed, [whispers] call me!

Mary Valle lives in Baltimore and is the author of Cancer Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Stupid Attitude: Reflections on Cancer and Catholicism. She blogs on KtB as The Communicant. For more Mary, check out her blog or follow her on Twitter.