Queer Eye for the Straight God

It’s a full lifestyle make-over—a make better show where straight guys turn in their pleats for flat fronts, learn about wines that don’t come in a jug and come to understand why hand soap is not a good shampoo (and vice versa). When the journey is done, a freshly scrubbed, newly enlightened, ultra-hip man emerges.

–Press release from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” Bravo Television

"Oh." "My." "God."

"Oh." "My." "God."

Oh my gawd. Ted, look at this—pop open the fridge—I dare you. What? Another ketchup and beer scene? Oh my! Barbecue! What is that? Pick it up. I’m not touching it. What the—well-done goat? Tres bizzaro. What do you think, Jai? I kind of dig the music collection, he sure does have a lot of choral works—are you sure this guy is straight? Kyan, I think he ripped this interior decoration style off that Victoria Secret catalog like two years ago. Does this guy even have a bathroom? This is horrrribbbble! Wait—he’s coming—everybody pipe down. Oh my gawd.

Shut up, shut up, shut up. This is like the biggest challenge we’ve ever had. I don’t know, Carson, I think the long flowing robes are kind of chic. Chic? He looks like he’s wearing a bed sheet—which is what I’d like to see him in later tonight—do me daddy—but really, robes? That is so Jim Belushi Animal House. What do you think, Kyan? Yum. He’s adorable. That mane reminds me of Fabio. I’m keeping the mane—it just needs to be teased a bit—I’m just worried about the nose hair situation… Nose hair alert! Nose hair alert! Let’s get to work.

So, we’re sitting here, in your totally new pad—I know you are wondering, “What is this?”—we call it furniture! We took that big gold Laz-Y-Boy or whatever down to the Salvation Army. But here you are, and you look just fabulous—I look at you and I see that you are exuding both power and grace—that balance is so important. Freshly scrubbed, newly enlightened, ultra hip—yum. You go, God.

Daniel S. Brenner is a reconstructionist rabbi and playwright living in Montclair, New Jersey. His work, Taking Names, won the Best New Play award at the All Out Arts Festival 2000 in New York City. He is currently at work on a play about the thirteenth-century mystic Abraham Abulafia.