Everybody’s Talkin’ (To The Pope)

So the Pope has been calling people. People keep saying “Hey, have you heard about the Pope’s phone calls? He’s calling pregnant adulteresses and troubled gay youths and being like ‘Special mama, have that baby and don’t let anyone give you the hairy eyeball!’ and ‘Dear little hombre, It’s 2013! Be proud of your gay self!'”

Yes, I’ve heard. I’m thrilled for the Pope’s callees. Beside myself with joy. What could be better than getting a call from the Vatican? I don’t know what. I’ve been waiting my entire life for the Pope to call me. I think it would be so great that I have a gleaming white Holy See-dedicated phone in my study.  Every day, after I mail my daily missive to the Pope, I dust the Papal Hotline, kneel, and say a decade. It never rings, but I always knew it was a long shot until now. Answer me this, Papa: have those people put in the time and dedication that I have? HAVE THEY????!!?!?
I’m implementing a new strategy. Instead of writing to Francis, I will double back and send my notes to the Grand-Pope. He just might have time for me.

Mary Valle lives in Baltimore and is the author of Cancer Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Stupid Attitude: Reflections on Cancer and Catholicism. She blogs on KtB as The Communicant. For more Mary, check out her blog or follow her on Twitter.