The Devil’s News

The devil has been in the news lately. As usual. This isn’t a rash of Satan-related news; Satan stories come in a steady flow of lava from hell, sometimes slower, sometimes faster. Lucifer is never far out of our collective thoughts.

First item: a black mass was scheduled to be performed at Harvard; said black mass was canceled due to outcry. Protesters held a eucharistic procession which culminated with 1500 souls, Harvard’s president among them, packed in St. Paul’s for a holy hour.  Meanwhile, Satanic Temple members who were scheduled to conduct the on-campus rites, moved to the Hong Kong lounge in Harvard Square.

“A lounge employee, who would only identify himself as Fred, said in a phone interview that temple members were drinking at the bar, but he did not believe they were performing any rituals.”

The Satanic Temple has been busy. They have raised $28,ooo towards the casting of a proposed statue of Baphomet sharing the Bad News with some eager children.   An ACLU suit is in state court limbo, but a temple spokesperson says once the statue is done, they will proceed as planned. Could Black Sabbath School (“I don’t wanna!” the children will cry. “You’re going, and that’s final.”), Satan hymns (“Satan Loves Me”) and Satan camp be far behind? Craft product manufacturers: now might be the time to start designing foam upside-down pentagram kits and “Satan and Me” coloring books.

The Pope himself is decrying Satan with what some consider to be alarming frequency, describing the devil as an actual evil entity as opposed to the “modern” notion that the devil is our own bad choices. Exorcism is on the rise and at the recently held “ninth and largest Vatican-sanctioned convention on exorcism, attendees gushed about the fresh recognition being afforded the field.” Could someone please get me a name badge and program from said convention?

During the conference, the Rev. Cesar Truqui, an exorcist based in Switzerland, recounted one experience he had aboard a Swissair flight. ‘Two lesbians,’ he said, had sat behind him on the plane. Soon afterward, he said, he felt Satan’s presence. As he silently sought to repel the evil spirit through prayer, one of the women, he said, began growling demonically and threw chocolates at his head.

Asked how he knew the woman was possessed, he said that “Once you hear a Satanic growl, you never forget it. It’s like smelling margherita pizza for the first time. It’s something you never forget.'”

I would implore the Universe to keep this stuff coming, but there’s no need. As long as Jesus remains popular, so, too, will his archenemy.