New Election Strategy: Damnation Threats

I can’t stop watching this Test of Fire video put out by Catholics Called to Witness. It’s a kinda Lord-of-the-Ringish vibed “promo.” Just what is it promoting? Scaring Catholics into voting against contraception, abortion and gay marriage lest they send themselves to hell. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Starts out kinda like a legend. When did these events occur, exactly? Are they talking about the Inquisition?

Old white guy doing some blacksmithing. I don’t think I’m reading too much into this to think it kinda looks like something else.

I mean, right?


Phallic intro over, we get on with the message. “Many issues in America — ”

“require hard work.” That doesn’t make sense. They require attention? Or solving said issues will require hard work?

Platter of “loser” issues like Energy, Jobs and Economy. Who cares? Not this guy. He’s got bigger fish to fry. So to speak.

We see a middle-aged lady walk down a hallway alone, then head into a confessional-like voting booth. Message continues.

Who marks ballots with a pen? I have never seen that. Anyway, “But some issues are — ”

“Not negotiable.” The word LIFE is fired up. Get it. Abortion. Contraception.

“Marriage should be reinforced.” Sizzle! What else?

“Forcing the church to buy insurance that goes against her teachings is a violation of religious freedom.”

If the church really were a she, I bet she would want that insurance. Even if she said she didn’t for fear of shaming.

The Voteress steps out, frowning at her paper ballot. She’s a little unsure, thinking, “Even though I’d like my son to be able to marry that nice Zach and my daughter to not get pregnant in college — fiddlesticks! What’s more important?”

“Will you vote the values –”

Again with the paper ballot and now a cardboard box marked BALLOT. Has this ever happened? Also, how do you vote values? You can vote for values. This really isn’t proper Catholic grammar. I’m a little embarrassed.

“That will stand the test of fire?”


“And be recorded in eternity.”

That’s not a proper sentence. But yeah, turns out God is the cranky, threatening blacksmith who will send you to hell for not “voting values.”

Guess I know where I’m going when I die.

Mary Valle lives in Baltimore and is the author of Cancer Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Stupid Attitude: Reflections on Cancer and Catholicism. She blogs on KtB as The Communicant. For more Mary, check out her blog or follow her on Twitter.